Disclaimer: This post does not intend to offend anyone. These are just my opinions.
I hate this movie so much.
This is why.
(this is going to be a looong post.)
Here’s post 1 of who knows how many.
So the movie opens up with a montage of Elle and Lee’s (the main character and her best friend’s) lives up until their current age. What we know from this scene is that Elle and Lee are really close friends because (1) their moms were also best friends and (2) they were born on the same day, and what do you know – Elle, Lee and I share the same birthday (June 7th). Yay.
Anyway, what we also find out is that Elle likes sports and that she likes to dance. Are these characteristics really necessary for the plot? Absolutely not. The only reason why Elle likes sports is because the director wanted to include this garbage scene in the movie from 24:20 – 25:01. This is when Noah Flynn, Elle’s established crush who happens to be Lee’s older brother (how original), says that only 95% of the girls who ride with him on his motorcycle makeout with him. This scene articulately demonstrates Noah’s intelligence- cause he knows how to calculate percentage. Maybe that’s why he got into Harvard.
Elle also loves to dance, and by that, she means playing a game in an arcade. Why is that mentioned you may ask? Is it meant to bring depth to Elle’s character? Hell no. It’s to show that Elle and Lee go there to hang out, or whatever.
Elle also mentions that she hasn’t been kissed, ever, but it’s not a big deal at all. Sure, it isn’t.
She also talks about her big crush on Noah, because he’s… hot. What’s stopping them from “grinding coochies” 47:56? The problem is that Elle and Lee made up a list of best friend rules to follow and Rule Number 9 prevents Elle from having a romantic relationship with Noah. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the ENTIRE conflict of the movie.
But I mean, you gotta follow the rules (shrug).
The next scene cuts to Elle and Lee’s last day of summer and they’re hanging out at Lee’s pool area when Noah enters and greets Elle with this wonderful snippet of dialogue:
“When did you get the boobs?”. Hahaha. Hillarious.
He’s sooooooooo hot.
Noah then tells Lee that there’s a party tomorrow and warns him not to invite any jackasses, to which Lee says, “Does that include you?”. For some reason, this is supposed to be funny?
Hahahahahahaha. Hillarious. 10 points for comedy.
When Elle is getting ready for school, her pants rip. She chooses to wear an old, teeny skirt because her backups and her backup backups were at the cleaners. Clever word play. 10/10. When she is walking towards the entrance of her school, everyone stops and stares at Elle’s “lady bump” (it means ass, if you didn’t quite understand the teenage slang). But hey, everyone’s “lady shape” changes over the summer. Quoting actual words from the movie, here. Then there’s this other #sorelatable thing that Elle says:
“This was the moment that happens to all of us when you suddenly go from invisible to everyone staring at you”
Are you sure, Elle?
Noah defends Lee from Tuppen when Lee defends Elle from Tuppen when Tuppen touches Elle’s lady bump. I’ll give you some time to understand what that means.
Noah and Tuppen break out into a fight and Noah, Elle and Tuppen get sent to the principal’s office.
When Elle and Noah are waiting to be called by the principal, she asks him why he did it. To this, he says something like no one should treat a girl like that, especially if it’s you. Awwwwwww…
Isn’t he a player though? Hmmmmm.
“Irony is a cruel mistress indeed” (14:16)
He also adds that it’s like someone trying to mess with his sister.
Ugh! How annoying. But I mean, what could even happen? (sigh) You gotta follow the rules (shrug).
And for some reason, Noah immediately jokes that Elle has had zero experience with guys and that she’s never even had a boyfriend. So much for treating girls with respect. Then he tells her that wearing a skirt like that is asking for it. But hey, he later acknowledges that his earlier comment is sexist (although he doesn’t apologize) which totally does not make him a douche.
The principal calls her in and these are literally the words that come out of Elle’s mouth during their conversation about what Tuppen did:
“Dude touched my lady bump”
dude touched her lady bump.
Later Elle starts panicking cause she thinks she might be suspended from school as she broke the dress code. The principal asks her to calm down and tells her that she only got detention. This scene makes you think that Elle is a serious student who gives a shit about school or is panicky/awkward in general – as far as my knowledge goes, Elle has no problem running around in her undergarments throughout the entire movie. (I’ll be talking about this in detail)
Thank you for sexually liberating women everywhere Elle. We appreciate it.
Anyway, thanks for reading this long rant! Stay tuned for part 2.